Briar vs Messenger
“Which one wastes more of your one finite, irreplaceable life? We ran the numbers. We made the numbers up. The result is somehow still accurate.”
Briar
“Designed to be opened once. Statistically, it won't be.”
Messenger
“Read receipts that turn a one-word reply into a three-day anxiety spiral.”
| Feature | Briar | Messenger |
|---|---|---|
| 🕳️ Hours Wasted / Day | 3.9 hrs More hours = clear winner of nothing. | 2.0 hrs |
| 🔥 Lifetime Damage | 160K hrs | 140K hrs |
| Our Rating | 3.9 | 4.5 |
| App Store | ||
| Google Play | 3.6 | 4.7 |
| Price | Free | Free |
| Downloads | 1M+ | 5B+ More victims downloaded. |
| Size | ||
| In-App Purchases 💸 | ||
| Requires Internet | ||
| Age Rating | Everyone | Everyone |
| Developer | Briar Project | Meta Platforms, Inc. |
By our entirely fabricated metrics, Messenger wins the race to the bottom of your free time. Briar is the “responsible” choice, in the way that a slightly smaller slice of cake is responsible. There are no winners here. Only documented hours.
Pick Your Poison
Choose Briar if...
Briar offers a niche but valuable service: truly secure and off-grid communication. It's an excellent choice for activists, journalists, or anyone in situations where privacy and resilience are paramount. However, the limited feature set and potential usability issues may make it less appealing to the average user accustomed to feature-rich messaging apps.
Choose Messenger if...
Messenger is a popular choice due to its widespread use and Facebook integration, making it nearly essential for those deeply embedded in the Meta ecosystem. However, those valuing stability, speed, and minimal storage usage might find alternatives like Signal more appealing, especially considering the recurring performance issues reported by many users.
Get Briar
Get Messenger
Every stat above is affectionately invented. The apps are real, the regret is real, the numbers are vibes. “Requires: stable Wi-Fi, poor impulse control, and a willingness to question your life choices at 2 AM.”