Apple Music vs Deezer
“Which one wastes more of your one finite, irreplaceable life? We ran the numbers. We made the numbers up. The result is somehow still accurate.”
Apple Music
“Five stars from people who meant to stop an hour ago.”
Deezer
“The app you'll delete on Sunday and reinstall on Monday.”
| Feature | Apple Music | Deezer |
|---|---|---|
| 🕳️ Hours Wasted / Day | 1.5 hrs | 3.7 hrs More hours = clear winner of nothing. |
| 🔥 Lifetime Damage | 707.9M hrs | 247.9M hrs |
| Our Rating | 4.6 | 4.2 |
| App Store | 4.9 | |
| Google Play | 4.2 | |
| Price | Free | Free |
| Downloads | 100M+ More victims downloaded. | |
| Size | 6 MB | |
| In-App Purchases 💸 | ||
| Requires Internet | ||
| Age Rating | 12+ | Teen |
| Developer | Apple | Deezer Music |
By our entirely fabricated metrics, Apple Music wins the race to the bottom of your free time. Deezer is the “responsible” choice, in the way that a slightly smaller slice of cake is responsible. There are no winners here. Only documented hours.
Pick Your Poison
Choose Apple Music if...
Apple Music is the definitive choice for audiophiles invested in Apple's ecosystem who prioritize sound quality over social features. However, users requiring seamless multi-device handoff or sophisticated discovery algorithms may find Spotify offers a more polished experience despite inferior audio fidelity.
Choose Deezer if...
Deezer offers a compelling and ethically sound alternative to Spotify, especially for users who value sound quality and customizability. However, the persistent technical issues and occasional algorithm misfires make it a less polished experience, making it best suited for patient users who prioritize music quality over flawless performance.
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Every stat above is affectionately invented. The apps are real, the regret is real, the numbers are vibes. “Requires: stable Wi-Fi, poor impulse control, and a willingness to question your life choices at 2 AM.”